Blognonymous: This is not you

Today we have a post from someone who has asked to use one of the blognonymous blogs to write anonymously about something that’s just too personal to put on her own blog, at least just now.
Please give her all the support you can. Her writing is beautiful, as is the sentiment. This isn’t the first post that blognonymous has hosted about living with a partner with depression, and I feel certain it won’t be the last!
**********************************************************************************
I have asked to write this post here, as I don’t want friends and family to see it. Not yet anyway, it is not my place to tell people until that is decided it needs to remain anonymous. I also don’t feel my partner will cope with seeing this right now, maybe in the future, but not today. So I thank Blognonymous for allowing me to get these words out!

You are no longer the man I fell in love with,
Mostly you are better than the man I fell in love with.
But recently you have no longer been THAT man

The man that can sweep me up and make everything ok.
The man that wipes my tears away,
The man that makes me laugh
The man that is funny, silly, and carefree

You have become a shell of yourself
A quiet man, who sits on his own
A man we tiptoe around
A man that loses his rag and flies into a rage
Over a car boot sale!
This is not you…

You say you don’t know you are doing these things,
You shout, you thump around the house
You talk to me like I am the most hated person in the world
Generally like a bit of dirt!
You sleep, oh do you sleep, but you never sleep properly
At night you thrash around,
You are tired all day
And grumpy all night
We can never win

Today you were diagnosed with depression
And given anti depressants
You were so sad in the doctors room,
You looked like you were going to cry
And never stop crying
You told the doctor you had thought of suicide
To say those words takes my breath away
Why did you keep this all inside?
Why didn’t you talk to me?
I have so many questions to ask you
But I know it isn’t the right time
I don’t know whether it will ever be the right time
So instead I am filling the diary with thoughts

Will you get over this?
Will you be ok?
I wish I could take this all away from you
But I just don’t know where to start

I want to hold you so tight,
And make everything ok
Like you have done for me so many times before
But at the moment I am being pushed away
I am trying to remain positive and remind myself it is not personally aimed at me
But it is hard
So hard when you are raging and talk to me like that
When you are jittery and the house is on eggshells
But I have to be the strong one,
The one that holds it together
And support you through this
Because that’s what we do,
Because I love you and you love me
So I will be here to stay
Waiting for the man I fell in love with to return!

24 responses to “Blognonymous: This is not you

  1. This is such a beautiful, heartfelt tribute to your husband. I can only imagine how scared you must be, but the fact that he has started down this path, admitted these feelings and begun something positive to help himself must give you hope that you’ll get ‘that man’ back. Lots of love and luck xxx

  2. Sweetheart, that is beautiful. I hope that the ADs help support him to feel a bit more like his old self, giving him the chance to work on any deeper issues he might have. There is no shame in depression and it’s a really difficult area. We all have difficult times but sometimes, it can’t just be shaken off like a cloak and we need extra help to deal with it.

  3. What a lovely, truthful and heartfelt poem. I have suffered with depression and my partner’s unstinting support meant so much. I know he found it terribly difficult and we had many moments of sadness and anger. I know how it affected him and how he still sometimes worries when I seem down. All the very best for all of you. Getting help has no shame and is the best thing. Good luck.

  4. What a beautifully profound piece of writing. You right with such love & honesty. I’ve suffered with depression and I know how hard it was for my husband and family however it’s not til now that I’ve read a piece that has given the other persons point of view. It’s hard for the person suffering with it but perhaps even harder for the person that is having to cope with it all. Your husband has taken the first step to recovery. It will take time but he will get there. I wish you all the luck in the world and salute you for being a strong, caring and compassionate woman. Remember to take time out for yourself lovely. Very important to look after yourself.xxx

  5. It’s so hard. If you read about depression, there’s so much out there that talks about how it feels to be in that place, and how hard it is. And it really is!

    But there’s not much out there for those who are trying to support those who are going through it. To not be able to recognise the person you love all the time. What keeps you going?

    Another blognonymous blog picked up on the same themes over here: http://battlingon.wordpress.com/2010/07/13/what-do-i-say-what-do-i-do/ – it’s amazing to hear more from this side, and hopefully makes people living with partners with depression realise they are not alone.

    Thank you so much for this post.

  6. This is so touching and sad, yet you sound strong too. Here’s hoping that the visit to the doctor is the start of a new path for all of you. It is certainly a big first step and the fact that you were there says lots about you relationship that is positive. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Hope it helped.

  7. Well done for posting this, I really hope it helps you to get it out there. You are being incredibly strong, my heart goes out to you. I hope that now he is getting some help things begin to improve. x

  8. Just to know he has you there, that in his darkest moments, when he behaves so badly he is ashamed, he knows you won’t desert him. That is the most incredible support he can have at this difficult time. Even though it feels like he is fighting you. Hang in there. Use us to keep you strong. Big hugs.

    M2M

  9. I hope the diagnosis and the medication help to address his depression.
    I totally empathise with you, my partner suffered with depression. I struggled for ages to work out what was wrong. He wouldn’t get out of bed, lost motivation, his world became really dark. Nothing helped. I thought he was building up to try and leave me. There was a crisis point and finally everything he was feeling poured out, some of it quite scary. He finally saw a doctor and was diagnosed. Just the diagnosis helped a little. His depression was triggered by work related issues which we then worked to resolve. Eventually we came out the other side.
    I didn’t tell anyone what was happening and it was really hard trying to deal with it because the partner of the depressed person needs help too. I would say if your husband is happy for you to, speak to extended family so that you have an outlet to express how you are feeling.
    Hope things start to improve x

  10. As has already been said, this is a wonderful post. You have both been brave – OH for going to the Drs & you for posting.
    It is difficult but there are things you can do to support him. It will have it’s difficult times but if you are able to have calm moments where you can discuss things, it will be easier. Please feel free to DM me if you would like to talk things over. We are a household that has strategies!xx

  11. Lots and lots of hugs.

    I just want to strengthen you a bit and help you remember that his rages should not send you crashing down as well because as you said you need to remember not to take them personally. His outward signs are his own feelings within himself.

    Yes it will be hard for you until he turns a corner because you will have to be leaned upon by him and will not be able to lean on him.

    We are all hear if you need more support to help you get through this.

    beautiful and hope writing it helped a bit.

  12. Beautiful, heartfelt poem. He is lucky to have you by his side to help him get through this. He will get through it.

  13. Such a beautiful piece of writing about love. I hope that he allows you and the GP to help him and you get your man x

  14. A beautifully moving piece of writing which gives such a raw and honest portrayal of what it feels like to live with a family member with depression.

    I hope that your husband starts to feel better soon and that you get some time out to look after yourself too.

  15. I have a comment from our poster that she would like to pass on to all of you:

    Hello everyone,

    Firstly I wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who has commented, it has really really helped boost my mood. Today has been a tough day, he is in a foul mood and I haven’t got one nice sentence out of him today. So coming on here and reading all of these comments has really really helped. I really appreciate it and none of you know how much. I want to say thank you to each and every one of you individually so THANK YOU!

    I just wanted to comment to a few of the comments, the first being Bumblings comment, What keeps you going? That is really simple I know with all my heart that if this was the other way he would be supporting me 250% so that is what I keep thinking and what is keeping me going, he would do it for me so I can’t let him down!

    Mummywalker we have told his family, and they have been fantastic, I have told my mum and best friend and both are being very supportive, mum took our child yesterday so I could go for lunch with my BF which I have not done for ages and that was really helpful, so I am getting some support. Thank you for your concern

    jfb57 I may be taking you up on that offer, thank you and Susie your comment hit home as have had a hard day reminded me that it’s not personal!

    Thank you all so much big hugs to you all xxxxx

  16. Pingback: Tweets that mention Blognonymous: This is not you « BumblingAlong -- Topsy.com

  17. I think that is lovely and very brave of you. I was crying reading it, I would like to think that if I was ever in a situation like that, my OH would support me. I’m sure, though he can’t find the words now, that he really does appreciate you. Hopefully the medication will work and things will get better for you all.

  18. You have reduced me to tears. I hope the medication works for you all. xx

  19. I have ummed and ahhed about posting this response in my real name but I think it’s necessary that I do.

    I could have written that post. Every single word of it. My heart breaks when I see someone else going through what I go through every day. It’s a horrible journey through life – sometimes 1 step forward, 2 steps back and then sometimes 3 steps forward, a skip and a jump. There is too much for me to say in this small comments box.

    If you ever want anyone to sound off to over email then please contact me. There is also the Breaking The Silence blog/website that might be worth checking out.

    Much love, whoever you are x

  20. ((((hugs)))) my husband was diagnosed with depression a few months ago so I really know the feeling. Luckily for him (and the rest of us too) the anti-D’s that he has said no to for at least 10 years and has now agreed to take are really, really helping and he is becoming the man I know and love again. I hope the same happens for you. Mich x

  21. Huge hugs for you. You have written a beautiful and amazing poem. I sit here in tears reading it and my heart goes out to you. It is hard having depression but it is equally as hard for the people around them feeling helpless. I hope things are on the way up for you all and hang on in there. xx

  22. I do feel your pain. It is extremely hard But he needs you now more than ever. Keep the faith and be strong. Love him unconditionally.
    My boyfriend of 6years is a long time sufferer of Bipolar disorder. Everyday has been and still is a challenge to be together because there isso much to learn about how to support but if you truly desire and want to help him & love him, you will do whatever it takes. Time, love, patience and understanding is Key. Ask for help and support, do not be afraid. Do contact me Ever if you need to confide or just need a ear.
    God Bless!

  23. I hope you get your man back sooner rather than later. It’s very tough being on either side of the mental health problem but you’ll get there.

  24. It’s all been said above but I just wanted to reiterate how brave you are for being able to put this out there for other people to see, and so eloquently too. Depression is such a mean illness and, no matter how much your brain knows all the sensible facts about it, it’s difficult not to let the moods and behaviours of those affected impact on yourself.
    A huge well done for speaking out and finding some support for yourself, hopefully enabling you to continue to offer your husband such invaluable support. Don’t feel alone, as the above posts show, you don’t have to be.
    I think this post will also help those suffering depression silently. It can be such a terrifying time, wondering whether to find help and be honest or if it would be easier to end it all. Your post shows that people who love you will still be there, if you let them.
    HUGE well done, love, hugs and peace. I hope your husband comes back to you soon and you both continue to seek the help you need.

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